Can it be over even before it really began

I had my second ultrasound last Friday, and it was horrible. The baby has not grown and there is no sign of heartbeat. Dr Natasha will make the final prognosis this coming Friday. She's asked me to stop taking duphaston and told me that if I start bleeding, I should go to a hospital immediately. I was too upset to talk about it, my husband called up his aunt back in Delhi who said that chances of this pregnancy continuing are very low.

And just like that, all hope has frizzled out.

Everything seemed to be working out- I got pregnant in the first round of IUI, had found a nice maid which meant that I wouldn't need to do heavy household chores, job prospects seem positive which meant that I would be fruitfully (or not) engaged and wouldn't be obsessing about my pregnancy journey all the time.

Dr Natasha advised us to wait for 3 months before trying again. It was such luck that we got pregnant the first time we did IUI. Who knows that will happen the second time around? This seems like such a bad dream. I look at people around me and the happy updates on my Facebook feeds; it seems as if others have it so easy. That lovely bump and that pregnancy glow, a cherubic baby dressed in a sweet onsie, a toddler playing on the beach, grandparents looking delirious with joy, parents and sibling welcoming the new baby...

What I'm feeling is not guilt. I know that miscarriages in the first trimester are mostly caused by chromosomal defects. If that's the case, this baby was doomed from the time I conceived. What I'm feeling is immense sadness at the loss of a happy future and fear of what lies ahead of us.

A rollercoaster of emotions

It has been more than a month since the IUI , and 3 weeks since I took the home pregnancy test. Silly superstition beliefs prevented me from posting an update. But today, I feel the need to express myself. If I were still in the habit of keeping a diary, I'd write in it today. I'm not sure where my diary is (ma, there are things there that would shock you, please don't read it in case you find it!) Posting on this blog comes closest to writing in my diary, so here goes..

The home pregnancy test was positive as was the blood test. I took 2 tests at home to be sure! Once my parents and in-laws got to know, I was bombarded with well- meaning advice. Eat almonds and walnuts every day. Don't do any housework. Drink beetroot, tomato and pomegranate juice everyday. Don't carry anything anything heavy. Don't use the treadmill. It was enough to make my head spin! For the past few weeks, I haven't been going to the gym. Instead I've been following a gentle prenatal yoga and cardio routine (love ya, youtube) and all responsibility for grocery shopping has been handed over to the husband.

My first ultrasound was today. The purpose was to hear the fetal heartbeat. I was nervous all night. Dr Prashant Nadkarni no longer sees patients who are pregnant, so I had an appointment with Dr Helena Lim at the KL Fertility Clinic. Unfortunately, she was very busy and was caught up with an emergency case so Dr Natasha did my ultrasound. She was very sweet when she came to know that I had problems with a transvaginal ultrasound the first time around. In the abdominal scan, she could not see anything so we had to switch to the transvaginal one. She ensured that there was a lot of gel on the instrument and inserted in quickly. There was a sharp, shooting pain and I only got through it because she was quick and had an encouraging attitude. We could see the sac and what seemed to be the fetus. But there was no heartbeat. My heart sank at the news. Dr Natasha said that it could be because the fetus is in one corner. I've been asked to come next week for another scan. As I was dressing, she told my husband that if there was still no heartbeat next week, we'll have to consider inducing miscarriage.

I felt so low that after bidding my husband goodbye, I went to a mall and bought a breezy romance paperback to take my mind off things. I know that I'm in such an early stage of pregnancy and that I haven't really felt pregnant (no morning sickness, tender breasts etc) The baby is still so small that it seems impossible to feel a connection with it. But I do. I want this so much. And I didn't realize the intensity of it until I came home and was checking my social media feed when I came across this heartwarming ad on the connection between a mother and a child (https://youtu.be/DRoqk_z2Lgg)


I have no control of this. God has a plan. He knows what I need which may not necessarily be what I want. I have to trust him.

For all the couples and women whose ultrasounds have revealed something unexpected and worrying, my thoughts are with you. Sending positive thoughts and prayers.