Looking ahead..

I have been busy since my last post.

After my second ultrasound at KL Fertility Clinic, I wanted to get another opinion and also discuss what my options were to terminate the pregnancy. I went to Dr Paul Ng at Pantai Hospital. There was a ridiculously long wait. After what seemed like ages, my turn finally came and his prognosis was the same. We discussed my options- taking misoprostol which would induce bleeding or D&C. I wasn't keen on going under anesthesia and was veering towards the idea of taking the medicines. Unfortunately Dr Paul informed me that he didn't have the license to prescribe the medicine, but he could refer me to a colleague. I didn't like the sound of that. It seemed very shady. Is misoprostol banned in Malaysia? I came back from my appointment feeling crushed yet again. After many phone calls to India, my parents urged me to come home to get the pregnancy terminated. Once back in India, I decided to go ahead with D&C. With misoprostol, bleeding can be very heavy and painful. Also, there is a chance that one might need D&C even after taking the medicine. I'm glad that I changed my mind and went ahead with the D&C. It was a breeze! The actual procedure took less than ten minutes. I had terrible cramps the entire day but the next day, I was feeling so normal that my mum and I went shopping! Every woman's decision on how to terminate the pregnancy will be different. In my case, I didn't want to prolong the pregnancy after having three harrowing ultrasounds. I wanted it out so that I could focus on healing.

It has been 3 weeks since the D&C and I feel like my old self once again. I had been having pretty extreme mood swings, acne outbreaks, and was generally feeling depressed and anxious. Now I'm feeling more upbeat. I've also been analyzing how I was behaving when I was pregnant. I was scared of doing something that would jeopardize the pregnancy and I felt I was no longer in control of my body. Instead of enjoying the body's ability to nourish another human being, I was worried about stretch marks, bloated feet and not having any clothes to wear. Maybe this was a clue that the pregnancy would not continue? I don't know. What I do know is that I don't want a momentous event like a pregnancy to be tainted by one's fears.

From now on, I choose to focus on the positive. With a little help, I can get pregnant. Isn't that wonderful! If it happened once, it will happen again. If it doesn't, God has another path in mind for me. I look forward to resuming my gym routine. I look forward to going back to work. And I send baby dust to everyone who's trying to conceive.